Whodunnit?
by Chelsie Dagger
Summary: CRACKFIC! Now that THE CONCERT episode has aired in the US, I'm reposting this drabble independently. It was originally in my Chelsie drabble collection, but there is no Chelsie here, so... SEASON 4, EPISODE 3(UK) or 2(US) SPOILERS. I wrote this because I needed some humor in my life after seeing the episode.


**Reposting as stand alone now that 'THE EPISODE' has aired in the US.  
**

**Series 4- After Episode 3 (UK) ; Episode 2 (US); AKA: The Concert. NO SPOILERS for subsequent Series 4 episodes.  
**

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"Well, Inspector, what do you think?"

"This is an odd case, Berkley. Our two main suspects are the only people with ironclad alibis."

"Yes. The lads from Ripon report that Mr. and Mrs. Bates were there the past two days. They were seen dining out on the evening of the murder and then attending the theatre until late. There is no way either of them could have come back to Downton to do this."

"Of course, anyone who was her friend would want to kill the scoundrel who raped her, but no one is talking."

"Nor are they likely to, Inspector. It seems pretty clear they all wanted this fellow dead."

"I'll give them this, Berkley, the staff of these great houses are certainly thorough."

"Yes, sir. We haven't found a speck of blood anywhere inside the house or on the roof. The only actual evidence is the body itself."

"That is not what I meant, Berkley. I meant they certainly were going to make sure he was dead."

"Well, he's definitely that. According to our investigation and the report from the morgue, he was... stabbed, beaten, shot, hung, poisoned..._at least twice_, drowned _in tea_, thrown from the roof, trampled by a horse and... run over by a car."

"And we can't even know the order in which it happened. But I think we may safely assume that he was thrown from the roof before he was run over by the car or the horse."

"Yes, sir, and there is still the matter of the missing foot."

"I assume the dog had something to do with that. They found his boot in her kennel. Anything more about the tractor?"

"It seems unrelated. Someone must have been out joyriding and run out of gas on the front lawn."

"So, we are looking at a man who was killed 10 times, by who knows how many people. Since we can't tell what actually killed him, the best we can hope for is 10 counts of attempted murder. But who do we even charge with that?"

"As I see it, Inspector, this is not so much a case of who did it as it is a case of who _didn't _do it."

"Thank you, Berkley, for that insight. Without any real evidence, we'll have no case at all unless we can get someone to confess."

"That does not seem likely. They've circled the wagons, as it were. What do you want to do, sir?"

"Do? As far as I am concerned, there is nothing we can do. I don't plan to waste any of my time trying to unravel this mess. There is one less rapist in His Majesty's realm and I think we should leave it at that. Though there is one thing, Berkley."

"What is that, sir?"

"I'd like to shake the hand of the person who drowned him with the tea. That was most ingenious. I'd love to know how they managed it."

-00-

"I'd like to inform everyone that the police have gone. The investigation is closed and the death has been ruled an accident. Apparently, Mr. Green fell from the roof."

"What do we do now, Mr. Carson?"

"We carry on, Daisy. Now, Anna and Mr. Bates will be back before the gong and we'll have no more talk of this unsavory matter this evening.

"And I don't want you lot looking so smug. A little professionalism, please."

"Yes, Mr. Carson."

THE END

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**A/N Ahhh, that was some cathartic crackfic… Speaking of crack, your reviews are just as addictive to me, please review if you've time.  
**

**In case you are wondering, it was (in this particular order) …**

**Mrs. Patmore, in the servants' hall with cyanide in his pudding;**

**Ivy, in the servants' hall with arsenic in his whiskey flask;**

**Mr. Carson, on the stairs with a letter knife;**

**Thomas, in the men's hall with his fists;**

**Daisy, in the men's hall with a turkey baster full of hot tea; **

**James, on the roof with the flag halyard;**

**Alfred, on the roof with a revolver;**

**Mr. Branson, ****_from_**** the roof with the ground;**

**Mrs. Hughes, on the drive with the car with Lady Violet in the back;**

**Lady Mary, on the drive with Buttercup;**

**and Isis, on the drive with her teeth.**

**All the staff helped transport him from place to place and cleaned up all the evidence. Lady Edith wanted to run him over with a tractor, but she ran out of gas on the lawn. Only Robert, Cora and Lord Gillingham were clueless... **

**...Except for Anna and Bates, who had a lovely time in Ripon;)**


End file.
